Category: Life & Thoughts

My Comfort Zone (is very tiny)

Everyone has a comfort zone and everyone loves their comfort zone because it brings them comfort (as the name suggests). The thing is, not everyone’s comfort zone is the same size, not does it have the same things within it. My comfort zone doesn’t have much variety in it and it shows through my repetitive routine, which I tend not to stray from. I sometimes like to envision myself in different scenarios that are way beyond my comfort zone, but when it comes down to it, I’d never do things like go up to a stranger and talk to them or ask my parents for money.

With many small places, it can become very suffocating very easily and sometimes damaging. I can’t even stick to my gym membership because I’m not comfortable walking in without feeling judged. It’s hard for me to do these things. I am trying to widen this cramped space that I live in, but it’s proving to be a little challenging. I’ve begun to post more things on my Instagram page to the point where I’m comfortable posting pictures of myself without feeling like other people think I’m self centered, but I still find it hard to ask people to take pictures of me. I’ve embarrassed myself on multiple occasions to the point where I’ve restricted myself from doing things, leading to the awkward semi-unsocial person I am.

Similarly, my small comfort zone may be an effect of my parents not letting me do a bunch of things when I was younger. I barely went out with my friends without supervision up until the age of 13 or 14 because they were worried. It is because of me having someone around all the time that I don’t think I got to develop much of my social skills. I get so panicked during professional calls with booking appointments to the point where I just avoid it all together.

Over the years I’ve noticed that it’s become more on an inconvenience than it used to be and that is likely because I’m growing older and that means more responsibility. This is exactly why I’ve been attempting to broaden my comfort zone a little more because currently I get frightened over the most trivial things such as buying things from 7-11 or ordering food at a restaurant. My parents have only let me go out alone for a year or so and it’s been great ever since. I’ve gotten to embarrass myself alone and learn from those experiences. It’s getting easier to ask for things at the restaurant or at the store when I can’t find things. Writing this now it sort of sounds like I’m a child who’s just facing the world where everyone feels normal in. I’ve grown so comfortable in my awkward skin that it’s essentially melded into my body and it’s hard to grow out of.

To combat this, I’ve put myself in positions I’d never thought I’d ever be in like being a part of the student council with the role of public relations and even doing a Tedx talk at a school nearby as I was part of the Tedx club at my school. Although the club is pretty much dead, I am now trying to start a speech club where I hope to do another Tedx talk (if I can find out) at the end of the year. I even started this blog as a way to push myself to be more out there and find new things to experience instead of sticking to what brings me comfort.

Growing out of your comfort zone isn’t easy, that’s for sure, but it can become less and less comforting as you are restrained by it constantly. The only way to not let that happen is to do new things, jump out of that cycle we’re so accustomed to and find joy in the things we never thought we would. I can’t personally say that my journey has been a success just yet, but upon doing new things I can definitely say that I’ve found so many more things in life to include in my comfort zone. Sure I still feel nervous going to the gym or getting involved in sports I know I’m not good at, but I’ve made attempts to do these things and others.

Do new things to improve yourself because you literally can’t stay cooped up in the fences you build for yourself all the time.

Cindy

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A Reason

I once read that the words reason and motivation were two different things, but somehow are synonyms of each other. It was a piece of writing that was deep and that’s probably why they overanalyzed the meaning of the two, but upon reading it – I as well ended up trying to figure out the puzzle of why these two words are so different and with my eureka moment I realized this all had to do with extrinsic and intrinsic motivation (something I had learnt fro my AP psychology class – who would’ve known that these vocabulary words would just pop up in my mind huh?). A reason can be extrinsic or intrinsic – usually extrinsic, while motivation is mostly intrinsic. It’s a cause vs. a will to do something.

So what is my reason for writing this? It’s pretty simple actually and not that deep at all, as this post may suggest – my friend whom I used to be incredibly close to had gone into this whole deep tangent on how he’s been thinking a lot lately about life and making all these pieces of writing and quotes and that made me want to write something of my own. In my opinion they aren’t that amazing, but what is amazing is his motivation for doing it, how he’s willing to create these pieces that aren’t grammatically correct and improve on it.

I have so many plans for the future but I’ve been conflicting within myself day and night whether or not it’s actually what I want.

I’ve made up this huge plan in my head to get a degree in finance and get a job within the field or maybe even marketing, but is it truly what I want? I don’t know. I want to learn sign language and interpreting and yet I’m so set on going to university, lose a bunch of money to the overpriced education system, and come out with a degree that I’m not even sure I’m going to use to pursue a career path I want?

In all honesty I want financial stability when I grow older – but I also want happiness and these two ideas are conflicting. I’m not sure if I’ll enjoy a career in finance, but I have a feeling that I might. Then again, what if I don’t and I realize too late? What happens then? And if I were to pursue interpreting as my career, will I achieve financial stability? Will my family be alright with that?

A small reason for me choosing finance is so that my family isn’t disappointed. No matter how many times I say I choose my degree for me, there’s always that one part of my brain telling me that my family and those around me are a part of the reason for me choosing this.

I’m a person who follows the life motto of “going with the flow”, but truthfully there are places where I need to choose where to flow, when I’m stuck at a crossroads not knowing where to go, there is no flow.

This entire blog isn’t about me trying to be motivational or provide people with any advice (not that I’m actually good at it or that anyone sees this), but it’s for me to share the thoughts running through my head at a hundred miles per hour because this is the only way to tell my mind to slow down and think.

I’m stuck with what I want to do in life, but I’ll just have to see what this universe has install for me.

Something else that has been pacing through my mind is a reason to live. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and I’d never sacrifice it for the sake of an easy way out, but there’s a whole normalized cycle of what people believe life should be for each person. Living in an Asian country with Asian parents has taught me that the stereotype of Asians wanting their children to be successful with great jobs is true. My parents are a little more laid back than the stereotypical Asian parents, but there’s definitely a feeling of needing to make them proud instilled within me.

Maybe that’s why some of us live our lives based on the norms that society has brought upon us – go to school, go to university, graduate, get a job, and get married. It’s likely that this cycle has been successful for so many that everyone just wants their child to follow this route, but I’ve figured over the years that it’s alright to diverge from that norm.

We live for ourselves. Our motivation for living must come from within us because no one person will be a reason for us to live forever.

I’ve been able to learn this through my periods of wanting attention (self centered, I know), periods of suicidal thoughts, but mostly periods of stressing over my future. I’m sure you’ve already picked up that I’m still confused on what I want to do with my life and I’m conflicted by the expectations people have for me that I also have for myself – but I’m a work in progress and one of the next steps I’m taking with my life is to live for myself.

Why have we been put on this plant? Why were we chosen to have a life and be human? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I’m going to make the best out of what is around me, make the best out of the life I’m given. “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” is what many will say when they face an obstacle, but life in itself is a huge obstacle for many – so why not just make lemonade out of it? Even if there are cuts on my fingers and the citrus seeps in, I can’t just sit idly and wait for the lemons to make lemonade themselves.

I don’t use that analogy much, but I might just begin to use it more because it’s a reminder of why I’m still going on; why I haven’t thrown away my precious lemons. Why do I deal with certain people when I absolutely hate them with all of my guts? For lemonade. Why am I allowing the stressful thoughts of the future invade my mind? For lemonade (be reminded that over stressing is a thing and that it isn’t healthy, there’s a certain point where you need to take a break from all of those mind crunching thoughts). Why am I still alive? For lemonade.

It may sound ridiculous, but I know that if I work hard enough and try my best I’ll find my way through life. I’ll find a way to meet my own expectations.

Whether lemonade is a reason or a motivation for you, I sincerely hope that everyone reaches the point in life where they say they genuinely love life, are happy, and are successful in their own ways.

Cindy