A Reason

I once read that the words reason and motivation were two different things, but somehow are synonyms of each other. It was a piece of writing that was deep and that’s probably why they overanalyzed the meaning of the two, but upon reading it – I as well ended up trying to figure out the puzzle of why these two words are so different and with my eureka moment I realized this all had to do with extrinsic and intrinsic motivation (something I had learnt fro my AP psychology class – who would’ve known that these vocabulary words would just pop up in my mind huh?). A reason can be extrinsic or intrinsic – usually extrinsic, while motivation is mostly intrinsic. It’s a cause vs. a will to do something.

So what is my reason for writing this? It’s pretty simple actually and not that deep at all, as this post may suggest – my friend whom I used to be incredibly close to had gone into this whole deep tangent on how he’s been thinking a lot lately about life and making all these pieces of writing and quotes and that made me want to write something of my own. In my opinion they aren’t that amazing, but what is amazing is his motivation for doing it, how he’s willing to create these pieces that aren’t grammatically correct and improve on it.

I have so many plans for the future but I’ve been conflicting within myself day and night whether or not it’s actually what I want.

I’ve made up this huge plan in my head to get a degree in finance and get a job within the field or maybe even marketing, but is it truly what I want? I don’t know. I want to learn sign language and interpreting and yet I’m so set on going to university, lose a bunch of money to the overpriced education system, and come out with a degree that I’m not even sure I’m going to use to pursue a career path I want?

In all honesty I want financial stability when I grow older – but I also want happiness and these two ideas are conflicting. I’m not sure if I’ll enjoy a career in finance, but I have a feeling that I might. Then again, what if I don’t and I realize too late? What happens then? And if I were to pursue interpreting as my career, will I achieve financial stability? Will my family be alright with that?

A small reason for me choosing finance is so that my family isn’t disappointed. No matter how many times I say I choose my degree for me, there’s always that one part of my brain telling me that my family and those around me are a part of the reason for me choosing this.

I’m a person who follows the life motto of “going with the flow”, but truthfully there are places where I need to choose where to flow, when I’m stuck at a crossroads not knowing where to go, there is no flow.

This entire blog isn’t about me trying to be motivational or provide people with any advice (not that I’m actually good at it or that anyone sees this), but it’s for me to share the thoughts running through my head at a hundred miles per hour because this is the only way to tell my mind to slow down and think.

I’m stuck with what I want to do in life, but I’ll just have to see what this universe has install for me.

Something else that has been pacing through my mind is a reason to live. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and I’d never sacrifice it for the sake of an easy way out, but there’s a whole normalized cycle of what people believe life should be for each person. Living in an Asian country with Asian parents has taught me that the stereotype of Asians wanting their children to be successful with great jobs is true. My parents are a little more laid back than the stereotypical Asian parents, but there’s definitely a feeling of needing to make them proud instilled within me.

Maybe that’s why some of us live our lives based on the norms that society has brought upon us – go to school, go to university, graduate, get a job, and get married. It’s likely that this cycle has been successful for so many that everyone just wants their child to follow this route, but I’ve figured over the years that it’s alright to diverge from that norm.

We live for ourselves. Our motivation for living must come from within us because no one person will be a reason for us to live forever.

I’ve been able to learn this through my periods of wanting attention (self centered, I know), periods of suicidal thoughts, but mostly periods of stressing over my future. I’m sure you’ve already picked up that I’m still confused on what I want to do with my life and I’m conflicted by the expectations people have for me that I also have for myself – but I’m a work in progress and one of the next steps I’m taking with my life is to live for myself.

Why have we been put on this plant? Why were we chosen to have a life and be human? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I’m going to make the best out of what is around me, make the best out of the life I’m given. “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” is what many will say when they face an obstacle, but life in itself is a huge obstacle for many – so why not just make lemonade out of it? Even if there are cuts on my fingers and the citrus seeps in, I can’t just sit idly and wait for the lemons to make lemonade themselves.

I don’t use that analogy much, but I might just begin to use it more because it’s a reminder of why I’m still going on; why I haven’t thrown away my precious lemons. Why do I deal with certain people when I absolutely hate them with all of my guts? For lemonade. Why am I allowing the stressful thoughts of the future invade my mind? For lemonade (be reminded that over stressing is a thing and that it isn’t healthy, there’s a certain point where you need to take a break from all of those mind crunching thoughts). Why am I still alive? For lemonade.

It may sound ridiculous, but I know that if I work hard enough and try my best I’ll find my way through life. I’ll find a way to meet my own expectations.

Whether lemonade is a reason or a motivation for you, I sincerely hope that everyone reaches the point in life where they say they genuinely love life, are happy, and are successful in their own ways.

Cindy